I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
