doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
