Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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