Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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