Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
