so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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