So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
