I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
