I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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