I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize