Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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