I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
