Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
