ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
