you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
