He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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