just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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