there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
