theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
