Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
