Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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