just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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