how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
