last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
