my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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