I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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