I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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