Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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