I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
