haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
