My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
