I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
