I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
