I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
