You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
