I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
how drunk are you?
Several
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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