No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
