I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
