ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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