Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
