My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
