you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
