Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
