Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
