They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
