Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he thought i was a dude.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize