he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
