I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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