My balls are so social today.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
