Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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