I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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