I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
