this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
