you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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