The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
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