my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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