Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
