Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My ass is underappreciated
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
