overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
