party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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