Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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